Frequently Asked Questions

Although it is impossible to totally prepare for a death, a death may be made easier if you know what to expect. This pamphlet may be helpful in preparing you as family and/or caregiver to understand the final stage of life. It is important to discuss your concerns and fears with those around you, both your family and health care providers. These people can help you make choices with or for your loved one and can inform you about other services that are available to support you.

Death is a natural process as the body begins shutting down. The following physical and emotional signs of approaching death are described to help you understand what can happen. Not all these signs and symptoms will occur with every person nor will they occur in any particular sequence.

This section is intended only as a guide. It is not intended to replace advice given by a health care professional such as a nurse, physician, clergy member, social worker, CCAC case manager and/or pharmacist.

HOW WILL I KNOW DEATH OCCURRED

Even though death is expected, you may not be prepared for the actual moment it occurs. At the time of death:

There will be no response

There will be no breathing

There will be no pulse

Eyes will be fixed in one direction

Eyelids may be opened or closed

There may be loss of control of the bladder or bowel

The procedures followed prior to and after death by nurses, physicians and funeral directors will be different from county to county, province to province and state to state. If your loved one is living with a terminal disease you should ask your physician and funeral director what the procedures are in your area.

Remember: This is an expected death and no further medical intervention is required.

Do not call 911, the police of the fire department.

AFTER DEATH HAS OCCURRED

If you have health care professionals involved in the care of the dying person they should be notified of the death. They are available to provide you with emotional support and assistance regarding phone calls to the physician and the funeral home.

A physician must be called by the nurse or the family so that the death can be certified.

At the same time, it is necessary to call the funeral home to inform them that your loved one has died.

You may spend as much time as needed with the deceased person. Do not be afraid to touch, hug or kiss the person. Some people may wish to lie down beside him/her.

A health care provider may also help with the safe, responsible way of storing and disposing of medication and equipment, but it is the family’s responsibility to do so.

You may have dealt with many intense emotions and challenges in your journey through the loss of your loved one.

It is important to realize that grief is a highly personal response to life losses. Grief may last longer than society recognizes, so be patient with yourself and allow for the expression of feelings that you are feeling.

Who can become a donor?

Anyone who is 18 or older and of sound mind may become a donor when he or she dies. Minors may become donors with a parent’s or guardian’s consent.

Will my decision interfere with my own health care?

No. Medical personnel must follow strict guidelines before they can pronounce death and remove the donor’s organs and tissues. Organ and tissue donors receive the same health care as non-donors

How will medical personnel know that I am a donor?

Medical personnel will know by your carrying of a ” Donor Card”. You should distribute copies to your family, doctors, funeral home that holds your pre-arranged services and attorney.

Who pays for the donation procedure?

The organ donation programs, funded through health care, pay for all costs involved in the organ donation and recovery.

How are the organs and tissues distributed?

The distributions of organs is handled by regional organ banks which are linked to a national computer network that allows them to speed the process of matching organ donors and recipients. Tissue distribution is coordinated by various tissue banks throughout the country.

Does my age or medical history matter?

Although most programs do have age restrictions for organs, it should not influence your decision to become a donor. The transplant team will decide at the time of donation whether the organs or tissues are useful for donation. If the organs or tissues can’t be transplanted, it is possible that the organs or tissues may be helpful in medical research.

Will I have to change my funeral arrangements?

Within reason, organ donation does not delay funeral arrangements or disfigure the body, so no changes will be needed in your funeral plans. If you plan to donate your body for medical research, you should be sure to arrange all of the details with your local anatomical board.

Can I change my mind about becoming a donor?

Absolutely, simply tear up your donor card. Anyone that you have told about your donation request should be notified of this change. Tell family members, doctors, funeral home, and if you have made arrangements to have your status indicated on your driver’s license be sure to contact the driver’s license office to have your status changed.

Whether you received a 2 a.m. phone call with news of an unexpected death or shared your loved one’s final moments of a long illness, your initial reaction to the death was likely shock. It doesn’t seem to matter how prepared we are – or aren’t – a loved one’s death often leaves us feeling numb and bewildered. If you’re responsible for making the funeral arrangements or executing the will, shock and grief can be immobilizing. Even simple decisions can be overwhelming.

Making the first phone call

What to do first depends on the circumstances of the death. When someone dies in a hospital or similar care facility, the staff will usually take care of some arrangements, such as contacting the funeral home you choose, and if necessary, arranging an autopsy. You will need to notify family, friends and clergy. It may be easier on you to make a few phone calls to other relatives or friends and ask each of them to make a phone call or two to specific people, so the burden of spreading the news isn’t all on you. If you are alone, ask someone to keep you company while you make these calls and try to cope with the first hours after the death.

Call a funeral director

Whatever the circumstances of death, one of your first calls should be to a licensed funeral director. We are here to help you:

transport the body

obtain a death certificate

select a casket, urn and/or grave marker

arrange the funeral, memorial and/or burial service

prepare the obituary

help you notify the deceased’s employer, attorney, insurance company and banks

offer grief support or direct you to other resources

Call the employer

If your loved one was working, you’ll need to call his or her employer immediately. Ask about the deceased’s benefits and any pay due, including vacation or sick time, disability income, etc. Ask if you or other dependents are still eligible for benefit coverage through the company. Ask whether there is a life insurance policy through the employer, who the beneficiary is and how to file a claim.

Call the life insurance company

Look through the deceased’s paperwork for the life policy. Call the agent or the company and ask how to file a claim. Usually the beneficiary (or the beneficiary’s guardian, if a minor) must complete the claim forms and related paperwork. You’ll need to submit the death certificate and a claimant’s statement to establish proof of claim. Remember to ask about payment options. You may have a choice between receiving a lump sum or the having the insurance company place the money in an interest-bearing account from which you can write checks.

Nothing adequately prepares us for the initial shock of losing a loved one. Feelings of panic and helplessness may be overwhelming, but it’s important to know you are not alone. It is important to reach out to close relatives, friends, and professionals for the help, support, and comfort you need. Notifying family and friends is always an important consideration in the initial tasks to be completed. Call immediate family members first, parents, children, brothers, sisters and grandparents of the deceased. Again, do not worry about waking others. Grief researchers say those close to the deceased feel left out if they aren’t told about a death immediately. Rely on others to assist you in notifying everyone: do not attempt to do this yourself. It not only helps others through the grieving process to have some responsibility, but also allows you to carry on with other tasks. Although it may be difficult, telling others of a death it is therapeutic. Saying aloud that a loved one has died, the death is confirmed in your mind – an important step in the grief process.

So much is to be done in what seems like so little time. The emotional impact of death understandably makes it difficult to focus on the details that go into organizing a funeral. Also by clicking on the resource centre on the home page, you open a wealth of information and guidance to assist you through all of your needs.

What is an obituary?

More than merely a ‘good-bye’ to the deceased, this is a farewell which can, in chronological order, detail the life of the deceased. An obituary also serves as notification that an individual has passed away and details of the services that are to take place. An obituary’s length may be somewhat dictated by the space available in the newspaper it is to appear in. Therefore it’s best to check how much room you have before you begin your composition. Remember that the obituary needs to appear in print a few days prior to the memorial service. There are some cases where this may not be possible, therefore give some consideration to the guidelines below when composing the obituary.

What to include?

Naturally, it is vital that the full name, along with the location and date of passing is included so that there is no confusion over whom has died. You may wish to consider placing a photograph (which can appear as black & white or in color depending on the newspaper’s layout) with the text. There are usually extra charges applied if you are thinking of using a photograph. If you wish, mention where the deceased resided. This will normally only include the street, city and region/state/province/county. The street number is not normally included for reasons of security.

In a concise manner, write about the significant events in the life of the deceased. This may include the schools he or she attended and any degrees attained; you may also include any vocations or interests that the deceased was involved with.

Survivors

It is common to include a list of those who have survived the deceased. The list should include (where applicable):

Parents

Spouse and children

Adopted children

Half & step children

Siblings

Half & step siblings

Grandparents

The surviving relatives listed above may be listed by name. Other relatives will not be mentioned by name but may be included in terms of their relationship to the deceased. In other words, the obituary may mention that the deceased had 5 grandchildren; 7 nieces etc. However, exceptions to the above rule can be made if, for example, the deceased only had one grandchild or a nephew who was the only person living in the newspaper’s distribution area. These exceptions are obviously made based on each individual case.

Also, anyone listed as a special friend or companion is not normally included amongst the list of survivors unless the deceased’s blood relatives request that it be so. The obituary’s traditional purpose is to list survivors either related through the bloodline or marriage.

Additional information such as where the body will be laid to rest and any pallbearer’s names or names of honorary pallbearer’s may be mentioned.

At this point list the details of the time and location of any services for the deceased: these may include the funeral, burial, wake and memorial service where appropriate.

Do’s & Don’ts

If you don’t know where to start, do read other obituaries to gain an idea of how personal and touching an obituary may be.

Do use such terms as “visitation will be from” or “friends may call from”. Do not utilize the phrase “lie in state” as that only applies to a head of state such as the prime minister or president.

Don’t use the phrase “in lieu of flowers“¦” when memorial donations are to be requested. Instead merely start the final paragraph of the obituary with the words “Memorial donations may be made to“¦”

Do consider if you wish to send the obituary to newspapers in other cities e.g. to a town where the deceased may have resided previously. Obtain copies of the obituary to send to distant relatives and friends.

Final considerations

Any and all information to be included in the obituary should be verified with another family member. A newspaper will have to verify with the funeral home being utilized that the deceased is in fact being taken care of by that funeral home.

Seeing as most newspapers charge by the word when placing an obituary, it may not always be feasible to mention everything that we have stated in our guidelines. Use your own discretion and do not put yourself under any financial hardship. Your loved one would understand.

There are many ways to say farewell from formal funeral services to private home-setting celebrations. They all form a part of the way we say goodbye. Obituaries or death notices, however, are a public way we share our final farewell celebration. It is part of the way we say goodbye – the public posting of final words. Some obituaries indicate much thought and much reflection on the life that was lived.

A death notice is a minimal amount or notice. An obituary is usually a more detailed account of a person’s life and is often prepared for the newspaper from a form that the family fills out. Obituaries are a written form of collective remembrances. They remind us of others as well as ourselves – parents or grandparents of friends, the young suddenly departing, the loss of `valiant struggles’ against diseases not yet conquered.

When community members leave, whether we know them personally or not, we mark their time with us by publicly commemorating their passing. The final words are one way we say goodbye and the way we will remember. These final words are often the way survivors pay tribute, perhaps make amends, and express hope for immortality.

This is probably one of the most popular question a funeral director gets asked.

Embalming and other types of preservation have been recorded in history as far back as the Egyptians. Back in those days, only the wealthy were embalmed or mummified, as it was known then. And history has shown that the Egyptian mummies were well preserved for thousands of years. Over the years the procedure has changed many times to what we now know as modern day embalming.

We use embalming today for two primary reasons – to allow adequate time between death and burial to observe social customs such as visitations and funeral services, and to prevent the spread of infection. Cosmetic work is often used for aesthetic reasons.

Modern embalming now consists primarily of removing all blood and gases from the body and inserting a disinfecting fluid. Small incisions are made in either the carotid or femoral artery and the jugular or femoral vein; the disinfecting fluid is injected through the carotid or femoral artery, and the blood is drained from the jugular or femoral vein.

If an autopsy is being performed, the vital organs are removed and immersed in an embalming fluid, and then replaced in the body, often surrounded by a preservative powder. If an autopsy is not performed, the embalmer aspirates fluids out of the body cavity by making a small incision near the navel and aspirating the bodily fluids. Most corpses in the USA and Canada are embalmed, though it is not required by law in most cases.

1) Why do we embalm?

Embalming is primarily done to disinfect and preserve the remains. Disinfection is important for all who have to handle the remains, and for the public safety of our communities. In the years gone by, deaths due to typhoid fever, malaria and other highly contagious diseases, put funeral directors and others who came into contact with the remains at a very high risk of contracting the same disease. Secondly, it has been a tradition to have a period of visitation of the remains. This is known as the wake or calling hours. Friends and family gather to view the remains and pay tribute to a family member or friend that has died. We gather to console the family on their loss, and to express sympathy to them. Without embalming, most remains would not be viewable within a short amount of time. There are constant changes going on chemically and physically within the remains that change the looks and other qualities that we are accustomed to seeing. Embalming acts as a hindrance to this, and gives us the time needed to pay respect and express our sympathies.

2) How is embalming done?

When remains arrive at a funeral home, it is subjected to a series of steps before the actual preparation of remains are complete.

STEP 1- Pre-Embalming Prep

First, funeral home personnel lay the remains out on a stainless steel or porcelain embalming table, not unlike those used for an autopsy. They then remove all of the clothing off the remains, and either clean and return them to the next of kin or destroy them as they would do with any bedclothes that accompany the remains. Next, funeral home personnel carefully inventory any jewelry, usually taping or tying rings in place, so they do not disappear. Other jewelry and glasses are removed during embalming and then replaced on the remains.

There are several methods of closing the mouth. The prime consideration is to have the lips meet naturally. If the mouth is closed too loosely, the funeral director cannot produce a pleasant look, and if the mouth is closed too tightly, the area under the nose puckers, giving the upper lip a distinctly unnatural expression, sometimes appearing to scowl at the mourners. The funeral director will occasionally widen the lower lip to improve a face’s appearance.

STEP 2- Preparation

The funeral director cleans the remains surface with a disinfectant spray or solution by sponging it onto the remains. Next, the funeral director positions the remains. He relieves rigor mortis (the stiffening of muscle tissue due to chemical change) by flexing, bending and massaging the arms and legs. Then he or she will move the limbs to a suitable position, usually with the legs extended and arms at the sides. To begin the embalming process, which is the removal of blood, and replacing it with a formaldehyde based fluid, a small incision is usually made on the remains right side of the lower neck. It is at this position that two of the largest circulatory vessels are located. The carotid artery and the jugular vein.

STEP 3 – Embalming Process

Incisions are made in both vessels, and a tube connected to the embalming fluid pump is placed into the carotid artery, another tube is placed into the jugular vein, this is called a drain tube. The basic theory is to pump embalming fluid into the artery, and this will cause the blood to return through the veins and flow outside the remains for disposal. Approximately 3 gallons of a mixture of fluid and water are circulated through the remains for thorough disinfections and preservation to take place. In most cases, this will be the only point of injection of the embalming fluid. There are times when clots and other factors stop the flow of fluid throughout the whole system, and at these times, other points of injection are necessary in order to do a complete and thorough embalming. There are many factors which go into the process, which cannot be explained here due to space limitations, but some of the factors that the funeral director must assess before embalming are the mode of death, the weight of the remains, the general overall condition of the remains, any disease associated with the remains, etc. These factors determine the types and strengths of fluids used, and the type of embalming necessary to complete the task. Many fluids have a slight dye added to them, which gives the remains a pinkish glow, and also acts as a guide for the funeral director, making it visible for him to see the fluid as it travels through the remains. This type of embalming is known as arterial embalming.

The next step, called cavity embalming, is the application of full strength fluid to the internal organs of the remains. A small incision is made just above the navel, and a long needle called a trocar is placed inside the abdominal and thoracic cavities of the remains. The funeral director aspirates both the abdominal and thoracic cavities. Aspiration is the removal of blood and other bodily fluids, through suction. A suction pump, either water or electric powered is used to remove these fluids. The trocar is then attached to a gravity fed system, which caused full strength fluid to be put into each organ, causing a more thorough disinfection and preservation of the remains. All incisions are then sutured closed.

STEP 4- Washing

The funeral director then washes the remains with cool water, often adding a soapy, germicidal solution containing bleach to kill viruses and bacteria. He or she then cleans the fingernails, uses solvents to remove any stains on the remains, and applies other chemicals to remove scaling on the hands and face. Blood in the hair is removed with washing and chemicals. The funeral director then washes the hair, funeral directors may do this either before or after embalming;

Hairdressing is normally done after embalming has been completed.

Any hair stubble on the remains is shaved with a razor. Facial hair and any visible nose hair are removed from all bodies, including those of women and children who may have excess facial hair because of medications they received, or because they have downy hair on their upper lips and cheeks. Ear hairs are sometimes removed and any unsightly facial hairs are removed or trimmed. Funeral directors must be careful with beards and mustaches, since once accidentally removed, they can be difficult to properly replace.

STEP 5- Dressing and Casketing

The fifth and final step is dressing and casketing of the remains. Using the clothes provided by the family, the funeral director proceeds to dress the remains. It is common to use a full set of clothing, including underwear, socks or stockings, and sometime even shoes if so desired. Once dressed the funeral director will begin the cosmeticizing of the face and hands of the remains. Usually a special mortuary cosmetic is used, although store bought cosmetics may be used also. This is the true art of the funeral director. It is through the proper application of cosmetics, that a more life-like presentation will be made. Too much or too little cosmetics have a definite affect on the appearance of the remains. Proper coloring must be determined, and the cosmetics adjusted as such.

The final step in the preparation of the remains is to place the remains in a casket. Adjustments to clothing, touching up of hair and cosmetics and properly fixing the interior of the casket. This final step is usually very time consuming and must be done properly. This is the result of all the other work combined. The funeral director tries to pose both the head and hands in a life-like position, and finishes up his work by making everything look tidy and uniform.

This page, and the one on cremation, may be especially difficult for you, yet deciding between burial and cremation is one of the first choices you must make. It’s your decision!

Disposition is the term used by the funeral industry to describe the final handling of the deceased’s remains.

Although your initial decision for the disposition of the body is between burial and cremation, there are several variations on each.

Whichever choice you make, the body will eventually return to its natural elements.

Burial Choices

If the body is buried…

It can be interred (earth burial).

It can be entombed in a crypt within a mausoleum (above-ground burial).

It can be buried at sea.

Why people choose burial

Although the trend is moving toward cremation, the majority of North Americans still choose to bury their dead and to be buried themselves. Here are some reasons you might choose burial.

1. Burial is traditional within your family, religious group, or geographical area

For instance, in the United States today, about 79 percent choose burial. In Canada, the rate is about 64 percent.

2. You do not like the idea of the body being “burned”

You prefer to have the body slowly return to the elements.

3. You want to erect a monument on the grave

Perhaps you want to visit the grave in the days to come, and you find a graveyard more appealing than say, a columbarium.

Decisions You Must Make If You Choose Burial

Whether or not the body is to be embalmed

Which kind of casket (or coffin) will house the body

Whether to buy a casket, rent one, or build your own

Whether or not the cemetery requires a vault or grave liner

Which cemetery to use

What kind of plot

What to put on the gravestone

A burial vault is a sturdy construction of concrete, metal, hard plastic or some other very-slow-to-degrade material that is inserted into a grave before a casket and intended to provide support for the casket, protecting it from decades or even centuries from encroaching elements. Burial vaults are complete enclosures whereas their close cousins are called burial liners. Liners are made of the same materials as vaults, but they do not have a bottom wall. The casket they are intended to protect simply lies upon bare ground and the other three walls are inserted around it.

The main purpose of a burial vault is to protect the ground above it from caving in around a casket, leaving unsightly sinkholes throughout a cemetery. This video will help clarify many of your questions about a burial vault, but if you have additional questions do not hesitate to ask your funeral director.

Decomposition of the body in the earth (after burial) is the slow oxidation of the body tissues.

Cremation, on the other hand, provides rapid oxidation.

No casket is legally required for cremation, just a simple container, which is strong enough to hold the body. This could be a box of rough boards, pressboard, or heavy cardboard.

Some crematories accept metal caskets; most require the container to be combustible.

Cremation Choices

If the body is cremated:

The remains can be stored by the family

You may take the remains in the simple cardboard box supplied by the crematory and distribute (“scatter”) them over the land or water.

The remains can be placed in a niche within a columbarium.

The remains can be buried in the ground in a regular plot or in a smaller cremation plot.

The remains can be entombed in a crypt within a mausoleum.

Why people choose cremation

In the United States, in 1972, only five percent chose cremation. That number had quintupled by 1999, with over 25% choosing cremation.

The Cremation Association of North America predicts that by 2010, that figure will rise to 36%.

In Canada, the rate is already over 42%; in Great Britain, 71%; and over 98% in Japan.

Those who choose cremation (for themselves or others) often hold the belief that it is better to honor the memory of the person, not the dead body.

Here are some other reasons you might choose cremation:

Cremation is traditional in your family, religious group, or geographical area

You prefer the body to be returned quickly and cleanly to the elements

Many people believe that a cremated body becomes one with nature more quickly.

You have environmental concerns

Perhaps you are worried about the use of valuable land for cemetery space, or believe it is wrong to fill the ground with materials that won’t erode … metal coffins and concrete vaults.

You want to keep the costs down

Selecting cremation does not mean, however, that you will have an inexpensive funeral.

You might still choose an expensive casket and/or a viewing, and/or decide to have the cremated remains buried in the ground or placed in a columbarium. These choices can bring your costs up to those of a traditional funeral.

Decisions You Must Make If You Choose Cremation

Who will do the cremation (a funeral home or a firm that specializes in direct cremation)

Whether to use an urn or container

What to do with the remains

If you are distributing the remains:

Some jurisdictions have laws prohibiting the scattering of remains; others require a permit. Ask your funeral director.

Also ask if there are any firms in your area that specialize in unique ways of distributing the remains, such as a plane to spread them over a mountain, or a ship to scatter them at sea.

Think of places that were especially loved by the deceased, close to home or far away. You can walk in the woods, by a favorite lake, or on the old family farm.

Be sure to ask permission if you want to use private property.

What about using the remains to create new life, by planting a tree? Some survivors choose to mix the remains with the soil in flowerbeds and rose gardens at home. Every time the roses bloom, you will be reminded of your loved one.

If you decide to do this, however, consider what will happen if, some day, you move away.

A viewing means to have an open casket.

A visitation is when the body is laid out in the casket (which may be open or closed) before the service so that mourners may come to “visit.”

A visitation offers a chance for people to “pay their final respects” to the dead person.

Just as important, the visitation can be a time for mourners to meet and console each other in a more informal setting than at the funeral.

You can schedule a visitation for as little as half an hour on the day of the service, or it can last for several days before the service.

The visitation can be restricted to just close friends and family, or be open to the public. You can even have a combination of private and public hours.

Is there a special ceremony?

As part of the visitation, you can arrange a formal ceremony, an informal ceremony, or none at all. The formal ceremony might be a brief service with the saying of the rosary (for Catholics) or prayers for the dead led by a mourner or member of the clergy.

The term wake is sometimes used to describe the reception after the funeral or memorial service.

Traditionally, though, a wake means the friends and family keeping watch by the body before it is safely buried especially through the night. (Hence the term “wake.”) In some families, there is much drinking, feasting and storytelling during the vigil.

For those who are comfortable with it, an informal storytelling session can be a wonderful way to remember the person.

The stories don’t all have to be solemn, nor do they all have to show the person as a saint. We often love people as much for their flaws as for their strengths.

Remember, too, that laughter is as much a sign of strong emotion as tears or anger.

And if the person had a good sense of humor, there are bound to be some funny stories.

This sharing can be a rich and powerful experience. You might even want to record this event to play it again later.

A memorial service is a service without the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures according to the community and religious affiliations. Some families prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside service with a memorial service later at the church or funeral home.

Because the body is not present at the memorial, disposition may take place either before or after the service. You can hold a memorial service instead of a funeral, or in addition to it. For instance, you might have a funeral in the town where the person lived and died, and a memorial service later in the town where he/she grew up.

A funeral is so much more than a way to say goodbye; it’s an opportunity to celebrate the life of someone special.

Today, a funeral can be as unique as the individual who is being honored. From simple touches like displaying personal photographs to events created around a favorite pastime, funerals can reflect any aspect of a person’s life and personality.

Following are questions you can use to help you decide how to personalize a service:

What did the person like to do?

What was the person like as an individual?

What was the person like as a professional?

Was the person spiritual?

Was the person proud of their heritage?

For additional ideas on personalizing a funeral, please contact your funeral director.

What did the person like to do?

Often people have hobbies that become more than just a casual pastime. Their activity could have been as much a part of who they were as their smile. Why not showcase that important part of their life during the funeral?

Incorporating a hobby can be as simple as:

Displaying items used for their hobby; e.g. sports equipment, gardening tools, or collections.

Personalizing the casket or urn with a symbol of their hobby.

Displaying trophies or awards they won.

Creating a picture board or presentation featuring pictures of them engaged in their hobby.

Having someone speak about the person’s passion for the hobby.

By adding these or other personal touches to a funeral, the service becomes a reflection of the person’s life and personality.

What was the person like as an individual?

One way to enhance a funeral is by bringing a piece of the person’s personality to life. Consider what made that person special, what made them who they were? Then find ways to link their individuality to traditional aspects of a funeral service.

As an example, an avid cowboy or cowgirl may want to ride of into the sunset one last time. Tasteful ways to honor their wish include:

Using a covered wagon rather than a hearse

Having their saddle and riding equipment displayed

Playing western music

Having their horse walk in the procession

Having a barbecue after the service

Other themes you may want to consider:

Military honors for a member of the armed forces

Tailgate party for a sports enthusiast

Harley-Davidson rally for the Harley owner

What was the person like as a professional?

Many people take great pride in their career. Perhaps they dedicated a lifetime to a profession that transformed into more than just a job. If this holds true for your loved one, you may want to consider ways to include their professional life into their funeral service.

Following are two examples of how you could incorporate a profession into a service:

For a teacher:

Have the choir or band from the school perform during the visitation or service.

Encourage students to write essays about the person, which could be displayed.

Invite a past student to speak at the service.

For a fire person/police officer:

Incorporate any honors or traditions that their department has established.

Use fire trucks or police vehicles in the procession.

Have bagpipers play at the visitation or service.

Display their uniform and equipment.

Was the person spiritual?

Through organized religion or personal beliefs, most people have some sense of spirituality in their life. Often those values are from the very core of who the person was in life. Therefore, you may feel it is important to incorporate the individual’s sense of spirituality into their funeral service.

Following are ideas on how to incorporate spirituality into a funeral service:

Hold the service at the person’s parish or religious facility.

Have someone read excerpts from a key religious publication (i.e. Bible, Koran, etc.).

Decorate the funeral home with symbols of the person’s faith.

Have the person’s cremated remains scattered at a place of spiritual significance to them.

Read a prayer that touches on their key beliefs.

Include sacred music from the religion in the service.

“Environmentally friendly options for burial, cremation and services”

As more and more people become concerned about the effects on the environment of traditional burial and cremation, the consideration of a green funeral is becoming increasingly popular. A green funeral is an alternative to traditional burial or cremation because it is an environmentally friendly option . The thought behind a green funeral is to keep the process and products as natural as possible. The type of funeral service should naturally reflect an individual’s character, their way of life, beliefs and ideals.

Casket and Urn Selections

Green funerals include a casket or urn that is completely 100% biodegradable. Absolutely no plastic or metal is incorporated in the caskets or urn during their production. They are free of any stains, varnishes, oils, or animal products and only biodegradable, non-toxic glue is used. The wood used for the casket or urn should also be from sustainable, local forests.

Preparation

Aside from the casket, the body must be prepared in an environmentally friendly fashion as well. This typically means that there is no embalming and no chemicals used, including cosmetics. Although, if embalming is requested by the family, a less-toxic embalming fluid may be used.

Dressing

The deceased is commonly dressed in natural fiber clothing containing renewable sources, such as cotton, wool or hemp. Locally grown organic flowers or plants and grave markers that are unpolished and naturally shaped stones are also appropriate selections.

We are committed to providing eco-friendly options for families through simple and easy to understand products.  Please look through your choices here and if you have any questions, give us a call (440) 516-5555

Resources: http://agreenerfuneral.org/

Even though common sense and good discretion are always the best guides to proper funeral etiquette, a few principles still apply.

It is a common gesture for close friends of the bereaving family to visit the family’s home to offer sympathy and assistance – this is sometimes referred to as a condolence visit. With the bereaving family having to ensure that all the arrangements are looked after, a close friend(s) may become very helpful with food preparation and childcare. The visit can take place any time within the first few weeks of death, and may be followed with one or more additional visits, depending on the circumstances and your relationship with the family.

In addition to expressing sympathy it is appropriate, if desired, to relate to family members your fond memories of the deceased. In some cases family members may simply want you to be a good listener to their expressions of grief or memories of the deceased. In most circumstances it is not appropriate to inquire as to the cause of death.

If you attend a wake you should approach the family and express your sympathy. As with the condolence visit it is appropriate to relate your memories of the deceased. If you were only acquainted with the deceased (and not the family) you should introduce yourself.

It is customary to show your respects by viewing the deceased if the body is present and the casket is open. You may wish to say a silent prayer for, or meditate about, the deceased at this time. In some cases the family may escort you to the casket.

The length of your visit at the wake is a matter of discretion. After visiting with the family and viewing the deceased you can visit with others in attendance. Normally there is a register for visitors to sign.

As with other aspects of modern day society funeral dress codes have relaxed somewhat. Black dress is no longer required. Instead subdued or darker hues should be selected, the more conservative the better. After the funeral the family often receives invited visitors to their home for pleasant conversation and refreshments.

You can send flowers to the funeral home prior to the funeral, or to the family residence at any time. In some cases flowers may also be sent to Protestant churches. (Flowers generally are not sent to Jewish synagogues and Catholic churches.) Florists know what is appropriate to send in the funeral context.

Gifts in memory of the deceased are often made, particularly when the family has requested gifts in lieu of flowers. The family is notified of the gifts by personal note from the donor or through the donee, if the donee is a charity or other organization. In the latter case the donor provides the family’s name and address to the charity at the time the gift is made.

Even if you don’t make a gift, a note or card to the deceased’s family expressing your thoughts of the deceased is a welcome gesture, especially if you weren’t able to attend the funeral.

FUNERAL ETIQUETTE

The funeral is a ceremony of proven worth and value for those who mourn. It provides an opportunity for the survivors and others who share in the loss to express their love, respect, grief and appreciation for a life that has been lived. It permits facing openly and realistically the crisis a death presents. Through the funeral the bereaved take that first step toward emotional adjustment to their loss. This information has been prepared as a convenient reference for modern funeral practices and customs.

THE FUNERAL SERVICE

The family specifies the type of service conducted for the deceased. Funeral directors are trained to assist families in arranging whatever type of service they desire. The service held either at a place of worship or at the funeral home with the deceased present, varies in ritual according to denomination. The presence of friends at this time is an acknowledgment of friendship and support. It is helpful to friends and the community to have an obituary notice published announcing the death and type of service to be held.

PRIVATE SERVICE

This service is by invitation only and may be held at a place of worship, a funeral home or a family home. Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends attend the funeral service. Often public visitation is held, condolences are sent, and the body is viewed.

MEMORIAL SERVICE

A memorial service is a service without the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures according to the community and religious affiliations. Some families prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside service with a memorial service later at the church or funeral home.

PALLBEARERS

Friends, relatives, church members or business associates may be asked to serve as pallbearers. The funeral director will secure pallbearers if requested to do so by the family.

HONORARY PALLBEARERS

When the deceased has been active in political, business, church or civic circles, it may be appropriate for the family to request close associates of the deceased to serve as honorary pallbearers. They do not actively carry the casket.

EULOGY

A member of the family, clergy, a close personal friend or a business associate of the deceased, may give a eulogy. The eulogy is not to be lengthy, but should offer praise and commendation and reflect the life of the person who has died.

DRESS

Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons attending a funeral should be dressed in good taste so as to show dignity and respect for the family and the occasion.

FUNERAL PROCESSION / CORTEGE

When the funeral ceremony and the burial are both held within the local area, friends and relatives might accompany the family to the cemetery. The procession is formed at the funeral home or place of worship. The funeral director can advise you of the traffic regulations and procedures to follow while driving in a funeral procession.

CONDOLENCES

The time of death is a very confusing time for family members. No matter what your means of expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly identify yourself to the family.

FLOWERS

Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of expressing sympathy to the family of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and beauty and offer much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can either be sent to the funeral home or the residence. If sent to the residence, usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a person’s continued sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist places an identification card on the floral tribute. At the funeral home the cards are removed from the floral tributes and given to the family so they may acknowledge the tributes sent.

MASS CARDS

Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family. A card indicating that a mass for the deceased has been arranged may be obtained from any Catholic parish. In some areas it is possible to obtain mass cards at the funeral home. The mass offering card or envelope is given to the family as an indication of understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure that your name and address is legible and that you list your postal code. This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge your gift.

MEMORIAL DONATIONS

A memorial contribution, to a specific cause or charity, can be appreciated as flowers. A large number of memorial funds are available, however the family may have expressed a preference. Memorial donations provide financial support for various projects. If recognized as a charitable institution, some gifts may be deductible for tax purposes. Your funeral director is familiar with them and can explain each option, as well as supply the donor with “In Memoriam” cards, which are given to the family.

SYMPATHY CARDS

Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance, is appropriate. It means so much to the family members to know they are in good thoughts. The card should be in good taste and in keeping with your relationship to the family of the deceased.

PERSONAL NOTE

A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression such as “I’m sorry to learn of your personal loss” is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other messages.

TELEPHONE CALL

Speaking to a family member gives you an opportunity to offer your services and make them feel you really care. If they wish to discuss their recent loss, don’t hesitate to talk to the person about the deceased. Be a good listener. Sending a telegram expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.

VISITATION

Your presence at the visitation demonstrates that although someone has died, friends still remain. Your presence is an eloquent statement that you care.

Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly approaching the subject at the office, supermarket or social activities. The obituary/death notice will designate the hours of visitation when the family will be present and will also designate the times when special services such as lodge services or prayer services may be held. Persons may call at the funeral home at any time during suggested hours of the day or evening to pay respects, even though the family is not present. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register book. A person’s full name should be listed e.g. “Mrs. John Doe”. If the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation, as the family may not be familiar with their relationship to the deceased.

Friends should use their own judgment on how long they should remain at the funeral home or place of visitation. If they feel their presence is needed, they should offer to stay.

When the funeral service is over, the survivors often feel very alone in dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know you are still there. Keep in touch.

SYMPATHY EXPRESSIONS

When a person calls at the funeral home, clasping hands, an embrace, or a simple statement of condolence can express sympathy, such as:

“I’m sorry.”

“My sympathy to you.”

“It was good to know John.”

“John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed.”

“My sympathy to your mother.”

The family member in return may say:

“Thanks for coming.”

“John talked about you often.”

“I didn’t realize so many people cared.”

“Come see me when you can.”

Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don’t overwhelm them.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS…

The family should acknowledge the flowers and messages sent by relatives and friends. When food and personal services are donated, these thoughtful acts also should be acknowledged, as should the services of the pallbearers. The funeral director may have available printed acknowledgment cards that can be used by the family. When the sender is well known to the family, a short personal note should be written on the acknowledgment card expressing appreciation for a contribution or personal service received. The note can be short, such as:

“Thank you for the beautiful roses. The arrangement was lovely.

“The food you sent was so enjoyed by our family. Your kindness is deeply appreciated.”

In some communities it is a practice to insert a public thank you in the newspaper. The funeral director can assist you with this.

CHILDREN AT FUNERALS

At a very early age, children have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given the option to attend visitation and the funeral service. The funeral director can advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional information and literature.

GRIEF RECOVERY

It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with one another. Your local funeral director can help family and friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs in your area.

Writing and delivering a eulogy is a noble gesture that is worthy of thought and effort. It is an opportunity to make a contribution to a memorial service, a contribution that your friends and family will remember for a long time.

Writing a eulogy, a tribute, a letter, or keeping a journal represents another equally valuable opportunity for you. The ability to use the writing process as a therapeutic tool to help you deal with your grief. The power of writing is undeniable and there is no better time than now for you to discover and take advantage of this.

What a eulogy should accomplish

There are two common misconceptions about the purposes of a eulogy. Some people think: 1) it should be an objective summation of the deceased’s life; or 2) it should speak for everyone who is present at the memorial service. Both of these assumptions are unrealistic.

A eulogy is much more simple. It should convey the feelings and experiences of the person giving the eulogy. The most touching and meaningful eulogies are written from a subjective point of view and from the heart. So don’t feel compelled to write your loved one’s life story. Instead, tell your story.

Clearly, the burden of the eulogy does not have to be yours completely. If you have the time, ask friends or relatives for their recollections and stories. In a eulogy, it is perfectly acceptable to say, for example, “I was talking to Uncle Lenny about Ron; he reminded me of the time Ron came to our Thanksgiving dinner with half of his face clean-shaven and the other half bearded. It was Ron’s funny way of showing that he had mixed feelings about shaving off his beard.”

Honesty is very important. In most cases, there will be a lot of positive qualities to talk about. Once in a while, however, there is someone with more negative traits than positive qualities. If that is the case, remember, you don’t have to say everything. Just be honest about the positive qualities and everyone will appreciate the eulogy.

Remember, you do not have to write a perfect eulogy. Whatever you write and deliver will be appreciated by the people at the funeral. If you are inclined to be a perfectionist, lower your expectations and just do what you can given the short time frame for preparation and your emotional state.

Tips for delivering a eulogy

If you decide to write a eulogy and deliver it, realize that it may be the most difficult speech you will ever make; and it may be the most rewarding. It is important to realize that people are not going to judge you. They will be very supportive. No matter what happens, it will be okay. If you break down in the middle of your speech, everyone will understand. Take a moment to compose yourself, and then continue. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Remember, giving a eulogy is a noble gesture that people will appreciate and admire.

If you can, make the eulogy easy to read. On a computer, print out the eulogy in a large type size. If you are using a typewriter, put extra carriage returns between the lines. If you are writing it by hand, print the final version in large letters and give the words room to breath by writing on every second or third line.

Before the service, consider getting a small cup of water. Keep it with you during the service. When you go to the podium to deliver the eulogy, take the water with you in case you need it. Sipping water before you start and during the speech if needed, will help relax you. If you are nervous before delivering the eulogy, breath deeply and tell yourself that everything will be fine. It will be. Look around at your relatives and friends and realize that they are with you 100 percent. Realize that it is acceptable to read the eulogy without making eye contact with the audience, if that would be easier for you. Take your time. Do the best you can. No one expects you to have the delivery of a great orator or the stage presence of an actor. Just be you.

Clothing for the Deceased

It is common to use a full set of clothing, including underwear, socks or stockings, and sometime even shoes if so desired.

Allow Yourself to Mourn

Someone you love has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death and the person who has died. It is an essential part of healing. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful, overwhelming and sometimes lonely. This brochure provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

Realize Your Grief is Unique

Your grief is unique. No one will grieve in exactly the same way. Your experience will be influenced by a variety of factors: the relationship you had with the person who died, the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and religious background.

As a result of these factors, you will grieve in your own special way. Don’t try to compare your experience with that of other people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a “one-day-at-a-time” approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Talk About Your Grief

Express your grief openly. By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won’t make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control, or going “crazy”. It is a normal part of your grief journey. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging. Seek out those persons who will “Walk with, not in front of” or “behind” you in your journey through grief. Avoid people who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They may tell you, “keep your chin up” or “carry on” or “be happy.” While these comments may be well intended, you do not have to accept them. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away.

Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions

Experiencing a loss affects your head, heart and spirit. So you may experience a variety of emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.

As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don’t be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.

Allow for, Numbness

Feeling dazed or numb when someone loved dies is often part of your early grief experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don’t want to believe.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits

Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn’t mean feeling sorry for yourself; it means you are using survival skills.

Develop a Support System

Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do during this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Find those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings – both happy and sad.

Make Use of Ritual

The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself. If you eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your feelings and you cheat everyone who cares for a chance to pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved.

Embrace Your Spirituality

If faith is part of your life; express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry with God because of the death of someone you loved, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need to explore.

You may hear someone say, “With faith, you don’t need to grieve.” Don’t believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Allow a Search for Meaning

You may find yourself asking. “Why did he die?” “Why this way?” “Why now?” This search for meaning is another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen responsively as you search for meaning.

Treasure Your Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies. Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.

Move Toward Your Grief and Heal

The capacity to love require the necessity to grieve when someone you love dies. You can’t heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal.

Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. It’s not that you won’t be happy again. It’s simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death.

“The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in you life.”

Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Center for loss and life transition

For each of us – rich or poor, young or old – there are times in our lives when we must face and deal with personal losses and the pain and sorrow they cause. Examples that come easily to mind are the death of a parent, spouse, child, or other close family member or friend. Many other events and transitions also bring with them sadness and a need to grieve:

Being told you have a serious, possibly terminal illness.

Having to give up interests and activities that have been a major part of your life.

Seeing serious decline in mental or physical health of someone you love.

Retiring from a work career or voluntary activity that has helped shape who you are and what you stand for.

Losing a significant part of your independence and mobility; even giving up driving a car can be a significant loss for many people.

Moving out of your home.

Saying goodbye to a favorite pet.

Losses such as these are simply part of living. Like their counterparts among the joyful occasions in our lifetime – the birth of a child or grandchild, a celebration of marriage, an enduring friendship – they are part of what it means to share in the human experience. And the emotions they create in us are part of living, as well.

GRIEF: “Is reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to find when you need them the most, one last time, they’re gone.”

The death of a loved one is life’s most painful event.  People’s reactions to death remain one of society’s least understood and most off-limits topics for discussion. Oftentimes, grievers are left totally alone in dealing with their pain, loneliness, and isolation.

Grief is a natural emotion that follows death.  It hurts.  Sadness, denial, guilt, physical discomfort, and sleeplessness are some of the symptoms of grief.  It is like an open wound which must become healed.  At times, it seems as if this healing will never happen.  While some of life’s spontaneity begins to return, it never seems to get back to the way it was.  It is still incomplete.  We know, however, that these feelings of being incomplete can disappear.

Healing is a process of allowing ourselves to feel, experience, and accept the pain.  In other words, we give ourselves permission to heal.  Allowing ourselves to accept these feelings is the beginning of that process.

The healing process can take much less time than we have been led to believe.  There are two missing parts.  One is a safe, loving, professionally guided atmosphere in which to express our feelings; the other is knowing how and what to communicate.

When we experience a major loss, grief is the normal and natural way our mind and body react. Everyone grieves differently. And at the same time there are common patterns people tend to share.

For example, someone experiencing grief usually moves through a series of emotional stages, such as shock, numbness, guilt, anger and denial. And physical responses are typical also. They can include: sleeplessness, inability to eat or concentrate, lack of energy, and lack of interest in activities previously enjoyed.

Time always plays an important role in the grieving process. As the days, weeks and months go by, the person who is experiencing loss moves through emotional and physical reactions that normally lead toward acceptance, healing and getting on with life as fully as possible.

Sometimes a person can become overwhelmed or bogged down in the grieving process. Serious losses are never easy to deal with, but someone who is having trouble beginning to actively re-engage in life after a few months should consider getting professional help. For example, if continual depression or physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, inability to sleep, or chronic lack of energy persists, it is probably time to see a doctor.

Here are some tips that may help you and the rest of the family recover from the death of your parents.

Resist the temptation to dismiss their death as “timely” or “inevitable”. While this is one way to rationalize the loss, it doesn’t touch your emotions. You have experienced a significant loss and you need to take time to grieve. The majority of people whose parents die are employed full time. A three-day bereavement leave isn’t enough time to deal with this loss. Be aware of the need to adjust your personal schedule to take time to grieve.

Work at keeping the lines of communication open between you and your siblings. They understand more than anyone what your loss entails. Remember each member of the family has a personal loss and each will mourn the death of your parent for different reasons and in different ways.

Find one or two close friends with whom you can talk. People often say, “My friends don’t want to hear about this!” All your friends won’t, but ask one or two for permission to use them as sounding boards. There are also professionals you may call on: your doctor, your clergy, a counselor or your funeral director.

Do something to memorialize your parent. This could be a donation to a favorite charity. It could be a memorial in your family church. If possible you may want to create a permanent memorial at his or her college or university. Perhaps you would like to plant a tree in memory of your parent.

Draw on the resources of your faith to sustain you. How does your faith or spirituality address the issue of dying? How does it help you make sense of life? Does it help you answer your questions?

Although your parent is physically dead, he or she will continue to live through you. The values your parent gave you will affect you – for better, or worse – for the rest of your life. Take what is good from them and incorporate it more fully into your life and be thankful for the good you received.

The time of death can be mystifying and troubling to a young person. We at DeJohn-Flynn-Mylott Funeral & Crematory, help children understand the processes of dying, death and bereavement and how it affects their lives. Our children’s program offers interactive discussions of what happens when a person dies, what the children will see, and examination of the caskets help children deal with the situation in an honest and caring setting before seeing their grandparent or other loved one. We encourage children to be part of the funeral by putting pictures, letters or other meaningful items in the casket. Young people may also act as honourary pallbearers during the service.

Should the Children Know?

Learning to accept death is a natural experience in life which, must not be ignored. Talking about death is necessary. It is a vital part of every child’s development.

How Should I Explain Death?

Death is a subject most of us do not like to talk about but eventually we all have to face it. We, at DeJohn-Flynn-Mylott Funeral & Crematory would like to help prepare your family before the need arises. We have designed a program to meet the needs of your family, in respect to the ages of your children, your faith issues and cultural beliefs.

When & How Do we Participate?

Individual appointments will be made for your family or group at a time that is mutually convenient to your family and ours. The program is best conducted at DeJohn-Flynn-Mylott Funeral & Crematory this gives the children more of a hands on approach to learning. The intention of the program is to give a better understanding, and remove the mystery around what happens when a person dies. Depending on the ages of your children, and the size of your family or group, we would like you to allow us 60 minutes for discussion, tour, and questions.

What age should attend?

If the child is old enough to walk let him/her walk with you into the funeral home, if not carry them in with you.

Caring for a Surviving Child

As in all situations, honesty is the best way to deal with children. Talk to the child in a language that they can understand. Remember to listen to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and just as importantly, what they are not saying. Children need to feel that the death is an open subject and that they can express their thoughts or questions as they arise. Below are just a few ways adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.

1. The child’s first concern may be “Who is going to take care of me now?”

Maintain usual routines as much as possible.

Show affection, and assure the child that those who love him or her still do and that they will take care of him or her.

2. The child will probably have many questions and may need to ask them again and again.

Encourage the child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can be understood. Repeated questions require patience and continued expression of caring.

Answers should be based on the needs the child seems to be expressing, not necessarily on the exact words used.

3. The child will not know appropriate behaviour for the situation.

Encourage the child to talk about their feelings and share with them how you feel. You are a model for how one expresses feelings. It is helpful to cry. It is not helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.

Allow the child to express their caring for you. Loving is giving “and” taking.

4. The child may fear that they also may die or that they somehow caused the death.

Reassure the child about the cause of the death and explain that any thoughts they may have had about the person who died did “not” cause the death.

Reassure him or her that this does “not” mean someone else he or she loves is likely to die soon.

5. The child may wish to be a part of the family rituals.

Explain these to them and include them in deciding how they will participate. Remember that they should be prepared beforehand, told what to expect, and have a supporting adult with them. Do not force them to do anything they don’t feel comfortable doing.

6. The child may show regressive behaviour.

A common reaction to stress is reverting to an earlier stage of development. (For example, child may begin thumb sucking, or bed-wetting; or, may need to go back into diapers or have a bottle for a time). Support the child in this and keep in mind that these regressions are temporary.

Adults can help prepare a child deal with future loses of those who are significant by helping the child handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings when a pet dies or when death is discussed in a story or on television.

In helping children understand and cope with death, remember four key concepts: Be Loving, Be Accepting, Be Truthful and Be Consistent.

EXPLANATIONS THAT MAY NOT HELP

Outlined below are explanations that adults may give to a child to explain why the person they loved his died. Unfortunately, simple, but dishonest answers can only serve to increase the fear and uncertainty that the child is feeling. Children tend to be very literal – – if an adult says that “Grandpa/Grandma died because they were old and tired” the child may wonder when they too will be too old and they certainly get tired – – what is tired enough to die?

“Grandpa/Grandma will sleep in peace forever.” This explanation may result in child’s fear of going to bed or to sleep.

“It is God’s will”. The child will not understand a God who takes a loved one because He needs that person Himself, or “God took him because he was so good.” The child may decide to be bad so God won’t take him too.

“Daddy/Mommy went on a long trip and won’t be back for a long time.” The child may wonder why the person left without saying goodbye. Eventually they will realize Daddy/Mommy isn’t coming back and feel that something they did caused Daddy/Mommy to leave.

“John was sick and went to the hospital where he died.” The child will need an explanation about “Little” and “Big” sicknesses. Otherwise, they may be extremely fearful if they or someone they love has to go to the hospital in the future.

How to help a child deal with loss

a) As soon as possible after the death, set time aside to talk to the child.

b) Give the child the facts in a simple manner “be careful not to go into too much detail. The child will ask more questions as they come up in their mind.

c) If you can’t answer his/her questions, it’s OK to say, “I don’t know how to answer that, but perhaps we can find someone to help us”.

d) Use the correct language – say the words “dead” and “die”. Do not use phrases such as, “He’s sleeping…” or “God took her…” or “He went away…”

e) Ask questions like, “What are you feeling?” “What have you heard from your friends?” “What do you think has happened?” etc.

f) Explain your feelings to your children, especially if you are crying. Give them permission to cry too. We are their role models: it is good for children to see our sadness and to share our feelings with them.

g) Use the given name of the deceased when speaking of him or her.

h) Understand the age and level of comprehension of your child speak to that level.

i) Talk about feelings, such as angry, sad, feeling responsible, scared, tearful, depressed, wishing to die too, etc.

j) Read a book on death to your child. (Please see your local lending resource library)

k) Read a book on childhood grief so you have a better understanding of what they may be experiencing.

l) Talk about the visitation period and funeral. Explain what happens there and find out if your child wants to attend with the rest of your family.

m) Think about ways that a child can say goodbye to the deceased, such as writing a letter, poem, drawing a picture, etc.

n) Talk to your child about your religious beliefs, if appropriate, and what happens to people after they die.

o) Invite your child to come back to you if they have more questions or have heard rumours so that you can help them receive the correct information.

p) Talk about memories, good ones and ones that may not be so good.

q) Watch for behaviour changes in your child – if they are cause for concern, seek professional help.

r) Watch out for “bad dreams” – are they occurring often? Talk about the dreams: they are a way to discharge stress.

s) Friends, family and school mates frequently find solace and comfort in doing something special in the name of the person who has died.

t) Sudden death, violent death and the death of a young person are especially hard to grieve. Disruption of sleep, appetite, and daily activities may be normal responses to an abnormal or unusual event.

Where do children fit in?

Many parents never stop to think about what they will do with the children when a loved one dies. Probably most wonder who they will get to baby-sit the children while they attend the funeral. Excluding children from the funeral will delay their grieving and hinder their ability to deal with death and loss later in life. Here are some practical ideas that have worked well.

Give children the opportunity to draw a picture of a happy memory they have of the person who has died. This picture can be placed in the casket or with the urn.

Have a child write a letter to the person who has died. This gives the child the opportunity to say, “I love you” one more time and to say goodbye. Put the letter in the casket or with the urn.

A child can either pick flowers from the garden at home or buy flowers and place them either in or on the casket or by the urn.

Older children can act as honorary pallbearers or can read a selection at the funeral. They could also act as ushers at the funeral.

You will find it very helpful to spend time explaining to the children what a funeral is about and what will happen. Taking them to the funeral home for the visitation or wake is helpful in making them feel comfortable in those surroundings. The day of the funeral will be much easier for them if this happens.

There are many ways to say farewell from formal funeral services to private home-setting celebrations. They all form a part of the way we say goodbye. Obituaries or death notices, however, are a public way we share our final farewell celebration. It is part of the way we say goodbye – the public posting of final words. Some obituaries indicate much thought and much reflection on the life that was lived.

A death notice is a minimal amount or notice. An obituary is usually a more detailed account of a person’s life and is often prepared for the newspaper from a form that the family fills out. Obituaries are a written form of collective remembrances. They remind us of others as well as ourselves – parents or grandparents of friends, the young suddenly departing, the loss of `valiant struggles’ against diseases not yet conquered.

When community members leave, whether we know them personally or not, we mark their time with us by publicly commemorating their passing. The final words are one way we say goodbye and the way we will remember. These final words are often the way survivors pay tribute, perhaps make amends, and express hope for immortality.

While there is no requirement to use a lawyer, probate is a rather formal procedure. One minor omission, one failure to send Great Aunt Tillie a copy of the petition, or a missed deadline, can cause everything to come to a grinding halt or expose everyone to liability.

The death of a family member or friend sometimes tends to bring out the very worst in some people. Experience shows that even in close families there is a tendency to get overly emotional about relatively trivial matters at the time of a loved one’s death, such as who gets the iron frying pan and who gets the kettle. Such minor matters, or any delays or inconveniences can be upsetting, pose issues of fairness, and create unfounded suspicion among family members. Thus it generally is a very good idea to “let a lawyer do it”.

Wills, probate, administrator, social security benefits, veterans benefits, insurance benefits, joint property, estate taxes and other issues may appear overwhelming after the death of a loved one. Sorting and settling all the details may be confusing because many of the terms are unfamiliar. Please feel free to print this document. This guide is not intended to be a substitute for specific individual tax, legal, or estate settlement advice, as certain of the described considerations will not be the same for every estate. Accordingly, where specific advice is necessary or appropriate, consultation with a competent professional is strongly recommended. Most of all keep in mind that while it is important to take care of all of these activities, it’s more important to move slowly at a pace that is comfortable for you during your grieving process.

Gathering Important Data

Locate as many of the following documents as possible: Wills, Deeds, Bank Books, Stock Certificates, Military Discharge Papers, Social Security/Insurance Card, Tax Forms, Vehicle and Boat Titles, Insurance Policies, etc.

Before the business and legal issues of the estate can be pursued, it will be necessary to obtain certified copies of the death certificate. You can order them from the Funeral Director or directly from the Registrar of Vital Statistics in your area. It is always better to order a few more than what you think you will need. Most agencies will only accept certified death certificates and not photocopies.

In some cases, there may be a need to obtain a certified copy of the death certificate without a cause of death. These certificates are needed to transfer the title on a house, mobile home, and automobile or in some cases for court procedures. You should make this request when ordering the certified copies.

Because banks are subject to both state and federal regulations, procedures can vary greatly from bank to bank and state to state. Some states have been known to automatically freeze joint bank accounts when one of the joint owners dies. To avoid problems, contact your bank directly, to determine the amount of money accessible and learn the procedures for releasing these funds, and to establish a new account for funds received after the death.

At least one joint checking or savings account should be left open for at least six months. This will allow you to deposit any checks that you are entitled to but are in the deceased’s name. For instance, “Insurance Reimbursement Check”. This check would be endorsed on the back as follows: “Deposit Only” with the deceased’s name PRINTED underneath, followed by the bank account number.

If after six months you want to take the deceased’s name off the account, the bank will want to have a Certified Copy of the Death Certificate.

A Certified Copy will also be necessary for any accounts that are left “In Trust For” someone. (I.T.F.). Your bank can advise you regarding IRA’s or CD’s (Certificates of Deposit). Both will need a Certified Copy of the Death Certificate before they are released.

If the safety deposit box is in the sole ownership of the deceased. Banks will require a Certified Copy of the Death Certificate and Letters of Administration to gain access to the contents. On co-owned safety deposit boxes, the rules vary from state to state. Call your attorney or bank for their requirements.

Your executor has full resposiblility with regards to your funeral arrangements. If so desired your executor can change anything with reference to those arrangements. This is the person all funeral homes take direction from.

Since your Personal Representative is given access to all property in the probate estate, the selection of a competent and trustworthy person is very important. It is wise to nominate someone who has business experience, intelligence, and the utmost integrity and honesty to serve as your Personal Representative. Your nomination of Personal Representative, (along with Alternatives who are asked to serve in the event that the prior nominee is unwilling or unable to act), should appear in your Will. This is your chance to tell the court whom you think is best to do this job for you (since you can’t speak to the court in person).

Most jurisdictions require the Personal Representative to post a surety bond covering their actions. This requirement can be waived if your Will states that you want your nominated Personal Representative to serve without bond.

1. What is an Executor?

2. What are the responsibilities of the executor?

3. Does the executor have to serve?

4. Who can be appointed an Executor of my Will?

5. Does the executor get paid?

Question #1 What is an Executor?

Answer: The Personal Representative of your estate (also commonly referred to as an administrator or executor) is responsible to gather and inventory all of your property at the time of your death, determine all your outstanding debts, pay all of your legitimate debts and then distribute the remaining property in accordance with the instructions provided in your Will.

The Personal Representative is appointed as part of the probate proceeding and has the responsibility for guiding your property through the proceeding, subject to established probate rules and procedures. In many areas, the court has a considerable amount of control over the activities of the Personal Representative, and prior permission of the court is required for the Personal Representative to take action with respect to property in the probate estate.

Question #2 What are the responsibilities of the executor?

Answer: The following are some of the general responsibilities of the executor in taking charge of the assets of the deceased, paying the debts, and distributing the assets to the beneficiaries. This list is not intended to be complete but does indicate the type of issues. Your lawyer will provide you with a complete list.

Ensure that all the real property is protected, including arranging of necessary fire insurance on buildings, changing locks to protect assets

Locate safely deposit boxes and attempt to locate the key.

Selecting the lawyer to act for the estate and obtaining from them notarial copies of the death certiciate. Choose a lawyer who has extensive experience in Wills and Estates work. Pick an accountant to assist you if your lawyer suggests this is appropriate. Discuss the lawyers and accountants fees and disbursements right up front.

Locate all life insurance policies and notify the insurance company of the death and forward a copy of the death certificate to have the policy paid to the beneficiary.

Notify all insurance companies including house insurance and car insurance of the death. Ensure that insurance is maintained make a list of all the assets and including stocks, bonds, pension funds, bank accounts, government investments, superannuation payments, holiday pay from work, work related life insurance or benefits for the spouse etc.

Are there any interests in partnerships or companies and locate shareholders and partnership agreements and provide a copy to the lawyer for his examination. (there may be triggering clauses in those agreements that must be met quickly)

In conjunction with discussions with the spouse,

Locate the previous several year’s income tax returns and provide copies to the lawyer or tax accountant. These must be reviewed quickly to ensure that no filing dates are missed. Government tax authorities do not care that the person is deceased. The executor may be personally liable for any tax penalties that are incurred because filing dates are missed.

Pay the account of the funeral director. Your lawyer will tell you the priority of paying debts, but normally the funeral directors account is to be paid before most other debts.

Make a list of all debts. This will include accounts for charge cards, house utilities, property tax arrears, income tax arrears, loan payments, outstanding leases, mortgages on house or vehicles, alimony or prior separation agreement. Provide this list and supporting documentation to the lawyer.

Once all the assets have been located and the debts paid (including the account of the executor) then the estate will be disbursed in accordance with law and the terms of the Will.

You will need to advertise for creditors in the local newspaper to ensure that all the debts are known and paid.

Your lawyer will advise whether any court proceeding is required regarding the Will. This is called filing for Probate. Often if there is adequate tax advice at an earlier date, the requirement for Probate can be avoided. This will save the estate considerable money.

You will need to notify the beneficiaries about their bequest and provided there is money left after the payment of all debts, the beneficiaries will receive their money or assets from you as Executor of the estate.

You may need to open up a Bank Acocount in the name of the Estate at your local bank using a notarial copy of the Will (or Probate if required) together with a copy of the death certificate. Use a chequing account that you receive the cheques back so you can verify that you paid the funds if required at a later date.

Question #3 Does the executor have to serve?

Answer: No, it is your choice to serve or decline to serve. If you choose to serve as Personal Representative (Executor) you can later resign, although you may have to provide an “accounting” for the period you served. If you decline to serve, or resign after serving, the alternate Executor named in the Will typically is then appointed by the probate court.

If no alternate is named in the Will, or the named alternates die or are unwilling to serve, or a person dies without a Will, the probate court will appoint someone to serve.

Unless local laws require that another family member or beneficiary wishing to serve be appointed, and such family members or beneficiaries are qualified, willing to serve and readily available, it is not unheard of for a probate court to select a “political crony” or a trust company that has made contributions to the judge of their political party to serve as the Personal Representative as the fees sometimes can be quite lucrative.

Question #4 Who can be appointed an Executor of my Will?

Answer: Probably the most important qualification for an executor is to ensure that the person that you select to be your Executor under your Will be blessed with common sense and a sense of fairness in following through the obligations that the executor has under the Will.

As some jurisdictions have residency qualifications for the Executor, you may wish to ensure that you select as executors for your Will people who reside in the state where you live.

If you have made provision that the Executor is to make payments to the Trustees for any minor children or grandchildren, then this obligation may continue for many years. As these are on-going obligations under the trust provisions in the Will make sure that the executors are not too elderly. You do not want the executors to decease before the estate is administered and closed.

The naming of an executor under the Will does not mean that the nominated person must act. This person may decline to act, as an executor. To protect the estate make sure that you have a back-up executor named in the Will. Typical, wording is as follows: “In the event that John Smith neglects or refuses to act as my executor then I nominate John Adams as my executor.” There is no magic in the wording as long as the intent is clear.

Often an accountant, financial advisor, or lawyer is also nominated as a second executor. This joint executor ensures that there is a solid degree of competence and experience which is especially important if there are substantial assets involved or Trusts to be administered.

Question #5 Does the executor get paid?

Answer: Yes. In addition to all out-of-pocket expenses in managing and settling the estate, Personal Representatives (executors) generally earn a fee of about 2% of the probate estate for their work. (This varies moderately in jurisdictions and generally decreases as a percentage as the size of the estate increases).

All fees and reimbursed expenses are subject to court approval. The court in cases of unusually difficult or extraordinary circumstances may allow additional fees. On the other hand, if a Personal Representative is derelict in duty, the court may reduce or deny compensation, and the Personal Representative may be held responsible for any damages they caused.

If a person is both the sole beneficiary of the estate, and the estate is not subject to Federal Estate Tax, it usually does not make sense to take any fees as all fee income is subject to Income Tax. (The money a beneficiary receives from the estate is income tax free).

Wills are simple, inexpensive ways to address many estates. But they don’t do it all. Here are some things that may not be accomplished in a will.

Named Beneficiaries for Certain Kinds of Property

A will can’t be used to leave:

Property you held in joint tenancy with someone else. At death, the deceased’s share will automatically belong to the surviving joint tenant(s). A will provision leaving the deceased’s share to someone other than the surviving joint tenant, would have no effect unless all joint tenants died simultaneously.

Property that was transferred to a living trust.

Proceeds of a life insurance policy for which there is a named beneficiary.

Money in a pension plan, individual retirement account (IRA), 401(k) plan or other retirement plan.

Money in a payable-on-death bank account.

Though most people are aware that they need a will, the majority — about 70% of us — don’t have one. People procrastinate for many reasons, but it’s important to know that writing a will doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. And once it’s done, you can rest a little easier, knowing that your wishes will be followed after your death.

1. What is a will?

2. What if I don’t have a will?

3. Making your Will

4. Do I need a lawyer to make my will?

5. What makes a will legal?

6. Do I need to file my will with a court or in public records somewhere?

7. Where should I keep the will?

8. What is the basis for a will to be contested?

9. Children with Special Needs

10. Choosing a Guardian

Question #1 What is a will?

Answer: A Will is a document that is created to help make your loved ones decision at the time of death. The Will contains important direction as to your wishes for your funeral. It can also contain your direction on dispersing the estate amongst your loved one.

Your Will can also help to name someone to be left in charge of your children if something was to happen to you. This very important when their are enfants or young children involved in the family.

The Will also simplifies the legal process for the lawyer which will result in minimizing the legal costs that your family will encounter.

One of the most important aspects of the Will is that it will prevent Family bitterness. Your Will will help guide your family through all aspects of the Death Process

Question #2 What if I don’t have a will?

Answer: There is no specific person responsible for making your funeral arrangements. This can make co-ordination of funeral details very difficult and often leaves hurt feeling if everyone does not agree.

If you die without a Will, you have died in testate. Your property must go through the probate process in order to have the legal title to the property transferred to your heirs at law. Applicable state or provincial statutes define your heirs at law. The law of the state or province where you live controls the distribution of your personal property.

The rules for determining who gets property distributed from an in testate estate have many variations. Subtle differences between the rules can have a material effect on who inherits when there is no Will.

An example of an in testate estate distribution rules, taken from the community property is:

– if married, the spouse gets 100% of the community property, but only one-third or one-half of the separate property left, as children, parents, and any issue of children or parents, can share in the distribution.

– If married (this includes widows and widowers), the property is distributed to relatives in the following order:

1. All to your issue ? your children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, etc., if there are any. If none, then

2. All to your parents (equally), or to the surviving parent, if any. If none, then

3. All to the issue of your parents (your brothers and sisters, then your nieces and nephews, etc). If none, then

4. All to your grandparents (equally) or the surviving grandparent, or the issue of your grandparents (your aunts and uncles, then your cousins, etc.). If none, then

5. All to the issue of any predeceased spouse (your step-children). If none, then

6. All to your next of kin. If none, then

7. All to the parents of a predeceased spouse (your mother- and father-in-law), or the issue of the parents of the deceased spouse (your brothers- or sisters-in law). If none of the above exist, then

8. All to the State of California

In addition, in common with many other states, California has many special rules that apply to widow/ers, half-siblings, children born out-of-wedlock, foster and step-children.

Question #3 Making your Will

Answer: Making a will that will accomplish what you want it to isn’t nearly as complicated as many people fear. There are just a few simple rules; follow them and your wishes will be carried out.

Age: To make a will, you must either be at least 18, or an “emancipated” minor.

Mental State: You must be of “sound mind” to make a valid will. It’s not a rigorous requirement. The standard interpretations require that you:

know what a will is and that you’re making one understand the relationship between yourself and those persons who you would normally provide for, such as a spouse or children understand what you own, and be able to decide how to distribute your property.

Question #4 Do I need a lawyer to make my will?

Answer: Probably not. Making a will rarely involves complicated legal rules, and most people can draft their own will with the aid of a good self-help book or software program. You just need to know what you own, whom you care about, and have a good self-help resource to guide you.

But if you have questions that aren’t answered by the resource you’re relying on, a lawyer’s services are warranted. Even so, you don’t have to turn over the whole project; you can simply ask your questions and then finish making your own will.

Question #5 What makes a will legal?

Answer: Any adult of sound mind is entitled to make a will. (And if you’re reading this article, you’re of sound mind.) Beyond that, there are just a few technical requirements:

The will must be typewritten or computer generated (unless it is a valid handwritten will, as discussed above).

The document must expressly state that it’s your will.

You must date and sign the will.

The will must be signed by at least two, or in some states, three, witnesses. They must watch you sign the will, though they don’t need to read it. Your witnesses must be people who won’t inherit anything under the will.

You don’t have to have your will notarized. In many states, though, if you and your witnesses sign an affidavit (sworn statement) before a notary public, you can help simplify the court procedures required to prove the validity of the will after you die.

Question #6 Do I need to file my will with a court or in public records somewhere?

Answer: No. A will doesn’t need to be recorded or filed with any government agency, although it can be in a few states. Just keep your will in a safe, accessible place and be sure the person in charge of winding up your affairs (your executor) knows where it is.

Question #7 Where should I keep the will?

Answer: Most States in the United States and Provinces in Canada do not have a government department in charge of a general repository for Wills. Most wills are retained either by the law firm who prepared the Will or at the residence of the person who made the Will.

Most law firms that hold the Will will keep the Will in safe keeping free of charge. The Will can be picked up by you at any time or the law firm willl send the Will to you upon receiving a written letter to this effect from you or your executor upon your death. This is a relatively safe procedure. You should verify however, in what manner are the Wills stored, that is, whether the Wills are stored in a Vault or in a filing cabinet at the law firm. Your decision should be governed accordingly.

We at DeJohn-Flynn-Mylott Funeral & Crematory recommend that you do not leave the Will at your residence. Not only is it susceptible to theft, but in the event of a fire, you and your Will are unavailable. This is clearly not what you intend. We also do not recommend that you keep your Will in a safety deposit box, as in some states the safety deposit box is sealed at the time of death. Keep the Will in any other secure place and ensure that your executor is aware of its location.

Question #8 What is the basis for a will to be contested?

Answer: Most of the challenges to invalidate Wills are by potential heirs or beneficiaries who got little or nothing. Questions on the validity of a Will must be filed in probate court within a certain number of days after receiving notice of the death or petition to admit the Will to probate.

The typical objections:

1. The will was not properly drawn, signed or witnessed, according to formal requirements

2. The decedent lacked mental capacity at the time the Will was executed

3. There was fraud, force or undue influence; or

4. The will was a forgery.

If the Will is held invalid, the probate court may invalidate all provisions or only the challenged portion. If the entire Will is held invalid, generally the proceeds are distributed under the laws of intestacy of the probating state or province.

Needless to say, if there is even the possibility of a Will contest, an experienced probate lawyer is a must.

Question #9 Children with Special Needs

Answer: If you have a child with special needs, ensure that you relay this information to your lawyer. You may wish to set aside a sum of money to deal with this issue. This is often addressed in the Will by establishing what is known as a Trust Fund. After the payment of all debts, the Trustee who is appointed under the Will to receive funds will be directed to use a certain amount of money from the Estate for the “special needs” person who is referred to as the Beneficiary. It is very important when a Trust Fund is established under a Will that you receive competent legal advice. The amount of the Trust Fund may be large if the child is to be looked after for an extended period of time. You must be sure that the Trustee, (the person who administers the Trust), is not only trustworthy but not of an age that the Trustee will likely predecease the Beneficiary. The Trust must have a provision for the replacement or addition of other trustees over time, if required.

Question #10 Choosing a Guardian

Answer: If you have young children, you should choose a personal guardian — someone to raise them in the highly unlikely event you can’t.

If your children are young, you’ve probably thought about who would raise them if for some reason you and the other parent couldn’t. It’s not an easy thing to consider. But you can make some simple arrangements now that will allay some of your fears, knowing that in the highly unlikely event you can’t raise your kids, they will be well cared for.

All you need to do is use your will to name the person you want to be the “personal guardian” of your children if one is ever needed. Then, if neither you or the children’s other parent can raise them and a court must step in to appoint a guardian, the judge will appoint the person you nominated in your wills (unless, for some reason, it is not in the best interests of your children).

If you don’t name a guardian in your will, anyone who is interested can ask for the position. The judge then must decide, without the benefit of your opinion, who will do the best job of raising your kids.

Probate is the process that transfers legal title of property from the estate of the person who has died (the “decedent”) to their proper beneficiaries.

The term “probate” refers to a “proving” of the existence of a valid Will, or determining and “proving” who one’s legal heirs are if there is no Will. Since the deceased can’t take it with them, probate is the process used to determine who gets their property

Property left through a will usually must spend several months or a year tied up in probate court before it can be distributed to the people who inherit it.

Probate is not cheap or quick. Because probate requires a hearing in over-burdened courts, the process can tie up property for a year or more. In addition, probate may be expensive. Estate attorneys, who sometimes charge a flat percentage or a high hourly rate, usually handle probate. Their fees and court costs may cost 5% of the estate’s value. A will is a very personal document, and may reveal private family and financial issues and concerns. But once it is entered into the court record, it becomes public, and can be inspected by anyone.

1. What is probate?

2. Why is Probate necessary?

3. How long does Probate take?

4. What is the probate process of an uncontested will?

5. Who is responsible for handling probate?

6. Should I plan to avoid probate?

Question #1 What is probate?

Answer: Probate is a legal process where your named executor goes before a court and does several things:

Identifies and catalogs all property owned by the deceased.

Appraises the property, and pays all debts and taxes.

Proves that the will is valid and legal, and

Distributes the property to the heirs as the will instructs.

Typically, probate involves paperwork and court appearances by lawyers. The lawyers and court fees are paid from estate property, which would otherwise go to the people who inherit the deceased person’s property.

Probate usually works like this: After your death, the person you named in your will as executor — or, if you die without a will, the person appointed by a judge — files papers in the local probate court. The executor proves the validity of your will and presents the court with lists of your property, your debts, and who is to inherit what you’ve left. Then, relatives and creditors are officially notified of your death.

Question #2 Why is Probate necessary?

Answer: The primary function of probate is transferring title of the decedent’s property to their heirs and/or beneficiaries. If there is no property to transfer, there is usually no need for probate.

Another function of probate is to provide for the collection of any taxes due by reason of the deceased’s death or on the transfer of their property.

The probate process also provides a mechanism for payment of outstanding debts and taxes of the estate, for setting a deadline for creditors to file claims (thus foreclosing any old or unpaid creditors from haunting heirs or beneficiaries) and for the distribution of the remainder of the estate’s property to ones’ rightful heirs.

Question #3 How long does Probate take?

Answer: The duration varies with the size and complexity of the estate, the difficulty in locating the beneficiaries who would take under the Will, if there is one, and under state law.

If there is a Will contest, or anyone objects to any actions of the Personal Representative, the process can take a long time. Some matters have taken decades to resolve.

Question #4 What is the probate process of an uncontested will?

Answer: Typically the person named as the deceased’s Personal Representative (a more formal term is “Executor” or “Executrix”) goes to an attorney experienced in probate matters who then prepares a “Petition” for the court and takes it, along with the Will, and files it with the probate court.

The lawyer for the person seeking to have the Will admitted to probate typically must notify all those who would have legally been entitled to receive property from the deceased if the deceased died without a Will, plus all those named in the Will, and give them an opportunity to file a formal objection to admitting the Will to probate.

A hearing on the probate petition is typically scheduled several weeks to months after the matter is filed. Depending on the state, and sometimes who the named beneficiaries are, how long before the death the Will was signed, whether the Will was prepared by an attorney, who supervised the “execution” of the Will, and/or whether the Will was executed with certain affidavits, it may be necessary to bring in the persons who witnessed the deceased’s signature on the Will.

If no objections are received, and everything seems in order, the court approves the petition, appoints the Personal Representative, orders that taxes and creditors be paid, and requires the Personal Representative to file reports with the court to assure all the deceased’s property is accounted for and distributed in accordance with the terms and conditions of the Will.

Question #5 Who is responsible for handling probate?

Answer: In most circumstances, the executor named in the will takes this job. If there isn’t any will, or the will fails to name an executor, the probate court names someone (called an administrator) to handle the process — most often the closest capable relative, or the person who inherits the bulk of the deceased person’s assets.

If no formal probate proceeding is necessary, the court does not appoint an estate administrator. Instead, a close relative or friend serves as an informal estate representative. Normally, families and friends choose this person, and it is not uncommon for several people to share the responsibilities of paying debts, filing a final income tax return and distributing property to the people who are supposed to get it.

Question #6 Should I plan to avoid probate?

Answer: Probate rarely benefits your beneficiaries, and it always costs them money and time. Probate makes sense only if your estate will have complicated problems, such as many debts that can’t easily be paid from the property you leave.

Whether to spend your time and effort planning to avoid probate depends on a number of factors, most notably your age, your health and your wealth. If you’re young and in good health, a simple will may be all you need — adopting a complex probate avoidance plan now may mean you’ll have to re-do it as your life situation changes. And if you have very little property, you might not want to spend your time planning to avoid probate. Your property may even fall under your state’s probate exemption; most states allow a certain amount of property to pass free of probate, or through a simplified probate procedure.

But if you’re older (say, over 50), in ill health or own a significant amount of property, you’ll probably want to do some planning to avoid probate.

Creditors should be notified promptly following a death. If there is to be a delay in meeting debts or installment payments, you may be able to file for extensions. Many creditors are sympathetic to these situations and are willing to grant your requests. If credit insurance or mortgage insurance policies were in force, purchases made on credit (vehicles, furniture, etc.) or the home mortgage may be paid off by the insurance. Ask your lending institution.